Discover The Power Of The “F” Word- Forgiveness and How to Use It

What is the word that is easy to spell, creates bliss when applied and starts with the letter “F”?

Imagine this:

You are happy and grateful for having a full-time job which you report to on time, a relationship that has been working out and life is great; until that morning while you are stuck in traffic, patiently waiting for the lights to turn green, and when they did, a rogue motorist swerved from nowhere overtaking you dangerously while showing you the middle Centre?

Or the guy who started some false rumour about you that everyone bought into?

What about the ex who badmouths you to his new girlfriend yet, he did the cheating, did the disappearing acts, did the mind games, and eventually did the dumping, and now he is the victim? And the deadbeat baby daddy who doesn’t contribute for child support yet posts your baby on social media acting as a responsible father?

Don’t they deserve the “F” word? Hell, yeah!

Wait! Are you thinking of the same “F” word as I do?

I am talking about F-O-R-G-I-V-E-N-E-S-S.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. –Mahatma Gandhi


What is Forgiveness?

In layman’s language, forgiveness is the link between hurt and healing. Our natural instinct when someone hurts us is to strike back and give them an equal dose of hurt. This, however, can be equated to carrying a bunch of rotten eggs while expecting the villain to feel the stench. The carrier of unforgiveness is the one who feels the pain, anger, and even health issues, while the villain, well, moves on with their lives.

Forgiveness is choosing to let go.

Why Should You Forgive?

Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. 

When YOU are walking around with hurt, YOU lack peace, YOU get worked up, YOU feel vengeful; while the other person moves on with their lives, probably without a second thought of how much they hurt you. Forgiveness is a powerful tool for your personal healing and inner peace.

What Happens If You Don’t Forgive?

As everyone has free will, it is possible to choose not to forgive, it’s your right. But here are the repercussions of unforgiveness.

You walk around with baggage. The scenario will be replaying in your mind as long as you keep holding on, and with every replay, you will feel the pain, as if it was yesterday. Every replay is a new dosage of pain. Other people will pay for your hurt, other than the villain. Your partner may need to reassure you constantly, just because your ex left without a trace.

The Green-Eyed Monster will be your best friend. Who knew you can be such a jealous mess? 

Whenever your ex posts a photo on Facebook with their new squeeze, your heartbeat increases, you recall with rage, you zoom those pictures looking for facial hair or anything that will make you feel better. You are bitter, jealous and angry because you choose not to forgive. You waste your life waiting for Karma. Months after your break up you are still stalking them hoping they break up so that you have your last laugh. You are waiting for the company to collapse years after you got Cred.

A watched pot never boils. Karma hardly comes when we are keenly waiting, it comes the second we let go. Your health is a concern. You are diagnosed with high blood pressure, depression, ulcers or migraines. Your life is at a standstill, as you can hardly focus on anything else, but the person who has blocked your number blocked you on social media and is enjoying their lives.

Types Of Forgiveness

Unconditional Forgiveness
It is absolute forgiveness. You decide to forget the hurt the person caused altogether as the relationship is more important than the grudge This can be used to mend broken relationships if both parties still want to forge forward together.

Conditional Forgiveness
This is where you forgive with caution. It is very difficult for a leopard to lose its spots. You may suspect that a repeat of the mistake may still happen, hence you prefer having just one foot into the relationship, and the other outside, just in case.

Dismissive Forgiveness
This is where we forgive and forget (the person), literally. While you choose to forgive, you also choose to stay away from the person for your own sanity. You no longer want to engage with them on any other platform. You forgive for your inner peace.

Surrendering to the Divine
Those practicing Divine faith can also choose to release themselves, their hurts and situations to a Divine Authority for forgiveness, and healing.

Do not be too hard on yourself. Yes, you dated the same jerk in different packages over and over again, and all your exes exhibited the same trait. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, for being jealous and for not giving your all. Acknowledge that sometimes bad luck is not bad luck but a result of our decisions.

Learn from your mistake and walk tall.

How To Let Go and Forgive

Forgiveness is not as easy as it is spelt. It is a heart issue. Saying “I forgive you” and actually forgiving someone is two different things. Forgiving is hard and can take a long time. The harder you are hurt, the longer it may take to forgive. You can, however, accelerate your healing process if you follow the steps below:

Communicate your feelings : As confrontational as it may sound, pouring it out is a major step in healing. Tell whoever has hurt you that their actions made you bitter, and you are angry, but you really want to forgive them. Do not let your ego come in the way. Some relationships ended just because of big egos. Once you communicated, two things can happen:

  • they apologize and reconciliation begins,
  • they insult you more and tell you they don’t care, which leads to this…
Write a silent note
Everything you wanted to tell this person, can be done on paper. As they are immature and unwelcoming to reconciliation, just write your feelings on paper. At least the paper will not insult you or answer you rudely. Then, burn down the paper, and their memory.

Learn from it
Like Rihanna says, “No Regrets. Just Lessons.” Sounds cliché but if it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger. You survived such a difficult encounter, learn from it and avoid future mistakes. Rest in the knowledge that everything we do has consequences. They will meet their match.

Speak To A Trustworthy Person
You may be shocked to know there are many people who have similar experiences to yours. Sometimes dealing with a problem is easier when we have someone to hold our hands, motivate us, inspire us and remind us that we are good enough.

Seek Professional Help
Talking to a professional doesn't mean you are ill. It is, in fact, the best method to deal with emotional pain. The two most common professions you can meet is a counsellor or/and life coach.

Mindfulness means “a moment-to-moment awareness of one’s experience without judgment”. While you are being mindful, you are present to your thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness meditation is one of the most powerful, self-regulated practices that has many benefits to our well-being. Practicing mindfulness meditation as little as 3 minutes a day helps create space for forgiveness. Here are some free mindfulness exercises for you to try.

Practice empathy
Understand that hurt people hurt people. Once you have this perspective, you won’t take it personally when someone disrespects you. It will give you the perspective that people’s actions have nothing to do with you, but themselves; their dysfunction, anger, jealousy and much other emotional baggage.

Forgiving Is Not Forgetting
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiving is for our own sake. It means that we give permission to ourselves to let go of the unpleasant emotions towards someone so we can restore balance to our state of mind.

Over to you
Forgiveness helps you realize your inner strengths and develops your personality. You will realize that your life brightening up as forgiveness adds sunshine to your life.

Break the cycle of hurt, embrace the “F” word: Forgiveness.

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